I remember the first time I felt ashamed of my appearance. I was in 3rd grade, a girl made fun of my arm hair. Later on that year I heard other kids call me fat at recess, during lunch, and in the bathroom. The insults got more extravagant as I got older, and they hurt worse too. But ultimately they we’re all saying the same thing.. I am ugly, I am fat.
I remember the first time I was molested. I was in 5th grade, and two boys a little older than I was wanted to touch me. I didn’t want them to, so one held me down and dug his fingernails into my thighs. The next few times they told me that they would hurt me if I didn’t do, or let them do things to me.. so I just listened. I would have said something to my babysitter, but they knew some of my secrets.. stealing quarters from my step dads pockets, and that I wore a “slutty” bra with lace on it. They threatened to tell everyone. It seems stupid now, but back then those were my darkest secrets.
I remember the first time I wanted to die. I had lost my virginity, to my 3rd rapist. I was in 7th grade then. I remember laying in bed that night, and crying for hours. I wanted to tell my mom so bad, I would have, but she was in bed with one of her boyfriends, and I wasn’t allowed in her room when someone was over. The next morning I woke up late, and she was yelling at me, so I just cried and got ready for school as usual. I felt sick, like I had nobody. And those words that he said the night before replayed in my head all day. “You are worthless. Nobody will believe you. Be happy you’re getting any at all.” And that night was the beginning of my suicidal thoughts.
Lately these things are all I can think about. I’m 20 years old, and I feel like I’m stuck. I can’t talk to men or women. All of my boyfriends and girlfriends from high school came to me, I never dared talking to anyone I liked. So I resorted to online dating after a couple months of sickening loneliness. I’ve never been on a real date. I skipped both proms, and almost every other dance/school function. I’ve been harboring this fear of people over half of my life. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have one true, real life friend. The rest are just people I met through her, or drugs, or group counseling. I speak when I’m spoken to, she’s the only person I actually tell anything to. Sure, I have an OK relationship with my mom and dad, but I’m usually high when I’m around them, and that’s what loosens up my lips. I don’t hate them anymore. I don’t really hate any one person anymore. I’ve gotten over it. I mostly just hate myself now.
I want to be happy. I want to be confident. I want to be strong in myself. I’ve faked it a few times, back when my drug supply was endless, and everything felt numb. To be honest, I don’t know if I will ever be happy, confident, or strong. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and even now, I look in the mirror, and feel disgusted. I will never look smooth, feel smooth. I will always have marks, scars, and areas that wiggle. I will never feel beautiful, or worth any persons love or friendship. I can’t imagine myself being naked in front of anyone, at least where they can see me. I’ve had sex, but only when I was high, and in a dark room. I just don’t know anymore.
I don’t know if medication would help me at all, and I’m so against it. I don’t trust anybody, especially doctors. Therapy fucked with my head almost as much as high school bullies did. I have 6 mental disorders agreed on by all of my past psychologists, and a couple more that we’re never fully looked into. After two shitty doctors accused me of lying, I gave up on counseling/therapy as a whole.
I’ve been trying to talk myself back into a doctors office. Only because I know my physical health is getting worse because of everything.
I don’t know if I can handle this shit for the rest of my life.>>
my new sign of the cross
All of my clothes are too big for me now. I’m crying.>>
You still haven’t noticed that something precious to you has been replaced.